This is what Kids all over europe were singing for. A trophey of a girl shouting 'TAKE ME UP THE ARSE!' Thats it. They didn't win any money. They just had to sing in front of all of Europe for a shitty trophey. Oh, and the chance to say 'I wasn't as bad as the others'. Or more accurately, 'I live in the most popular country'

THE PRESENTERS

Who the fuck are they? He, despite coming from Denmark sounded as if he was straight out of Starsky and Hutch, and she had lop sided tits. They were the most incompetant pricks this side of the Atlantic. Only an American could do a worse job.

THE COMPETITION

GREECE

This little prick hardly ever hit a right note. This got even worse when he attempted to rap in Greek. You don't know what funny is until you here a rap in Greek. What the fuck was he thinking? If this was a competition for repeating the same line over, and over ... and over until everyone starts feeling suicidal then he won hands down. The audience clapped in relief it was over.

CROATIA

This is 11 year old Dino. He played the piano for all of 15 seconds before getting up and attempting to sing. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF HAVING A PIANO, IF YOUR ONLY GOING TO USE IT FOR 15 MOTHER FUCKING SECONDS! Compared to the last one this was actually quite good. He shook his head from side to side when he sung though, as if to say to the whole of Europe 'Im a wanker'. That, mixed with the crap coat made him look like he should have been on Captain Scarlet.

CYPRUS

WHOA! Who let her out of the basement? Not only is she pig ugly, she also can't sing. If they were going for the sympathy vote with 'Look how ugly and talentless out children are' then they did it well. If these get any points at all (apart from the obligitory 12 from Greece of course) I'll kick myself. When this girl was born they slapped her mother.

Belarus

This was really good. No your right, It was FUCKING SHIT. Even if I could go back to the Jurassic era, and collect all available piles of Dino poo, the resultant mound of crap would be nothing compared to this song. Not only did it sound crap, but it looked like blind lepers choreographed it.

Latvia

Don't worry. Its not a clip from Star Trek or Dr Who. This was meant to be Latvia's attempt to beat the rest of Europe. Instead, they produced something that could have been Pokemon the Musical. WHAT FUCKING DECADE DO THESE PEOPLE LIVE IN! This was a shit song, sung in shit clothes by a half child, half pogostick freak who was dwarfed by everybody behind him.

The Former Yugoslavian Republic Of Macedonia

These are Marija Arsovska and Viktorija Loba. They wouldn't know what a right note was if it came up and bit them. Not only that, they are also dressed like a 1970's line dancers. Half way through, it goes into some sort of techno bollocks. By this point I was attempting to kick myself in the head. WHY ARE WE EVEN IN EUROPE. THEYRE ALL RETARDED!

Poland

The name of this song meant 'Something makes me bustle about'. Thats right, it is a shit name for a song. And yes, IT WAS FUCKING CRAP. If you were to put words to lift music, you would pretty much recreate this song. Although it was sung in Polish, or what ever language they speak, I did pick up on a few words. She clearly sings 'bullshit' and 'bj'. These fucking foriegners. This is meant to be a kids programme. Once it had finished, she got too excited and started jumping around like a prick. I hope she doesn't get any points.

Interval

YAY!, We're half way through. On come the freaks again. She claims to be 39. If she's a day younger than 50 I'll shove my head through my monitor. Anythings better than listening to these twats. He looks as if he's wearing her hat. Give her it back, it doesn't suite you monkey man.

Norway

Its Norway. They're bound to be shit. Yes, they were fucking obismal. I think Norway must be taking the piss. No country can possibly be so useless at writing a decent song. These are the Norwegian equivalent of John Travolta and Olivia Newton John. They were just as shit, and just as irritating so they did a good job. Is he wearing a tea towel?

Spain

This is Sergio. He looks as if he's has one too many Fajita's. Despite this though, I hope he wins. This guy is an expert on emotional blackmail. The song was written to his dead mother who died earlier in the year. You can bet he can get what ever he wants at home by playing peoples sympathies. At the end he blew a kiss in the air. NICE TOUCH! I hope he wins just because he's manipulative.

Romania

You could piss against a tin can and make a better noise than this shit. When the ability of making a prat of yourself was handed out this guy went back twice. He couldn't hold a note if it was written on a bit of paper. This wasn't helped by the fact that he was playing the drums at the same time and the fact that he looks like a prick.

Belgium

Dont worry, Its not busted. This is Xink. One more member, but just as shit. All that happened in this, was that the middle one seemed to do all of the singing, while everyone else shouted 'aye'. Then they jumped.

United Kingdom

I feel patriotically obliged to say how good this was. I just can't bring myself to do it. Oh go on then. This was amazing. Wow, I was blown away by his talent. The rest of Europe bowed down to his vocal might.

Denmark

Put nine cats in a sack and hit with a large mallet. You now have the Danish entry. This really was piss poor. Every time she opened her mouth I started laughing. The concept of singing to tune is obviously lost on this generation.

Sweden

How big does someones forehead have to be before they can be classified a freak. These must come close. Maybe someone should have told the one on the left that it was a singing, not a minging competiton. Who THE FUCK did her hair. It looks like something you wipe your wellies with. The one on the right is wearing keys as ear rings. So that where the key went. They've obviously lost it.

Malta

This is the only other performance that was sung in English. Somehow, understanding what they're singing makes it ten times worse. I've heard bubbling vats of shit that make more sense than the lyrics to this song. It might have been sung in English, but I don't think whoever wrote it understood it.

Netherlands

ITS THE LAST SONG. Thank fuck, I was just about to hang myself! This guy must be colour blind. Surely not even the Dutch would think wearing a red and yellow hoody, with a black T-shirt and blue jeans was a good idea. This is complete and utter wank. The event must be sponsered by some sort of anti-depressant. I can't believe we have to follow laws passed by these people. The whole of Europe is retarded.

VOTING

Theres now 5 minutes to wait while retards with too much time on there hands vote to see who wasn't as shit as the others. So, what should we do for 5 minutes? Listen to the bastard presenters? NO, much worse. BASTARD BUSTED!

I suppose they have to choose acts that make the kids look good in comparison, but why Busted? And only two thirds of Busted at that. Charlie (thats the one with the mono-brow) is at home ill. Either that or he has too much sense to be on such a shit programme.

VOTING IN BRIEF

Greece only give Cyprus 12 points. Cyprus give Greece 12 points. Theres a shock.

Sweden give Denmark 12 points. Another shock.

CROATIA WINS

SPAIN COME SECOND

UK COMES THIRD