It has recently come to my attention that there are a lot of fucked up people out there who need advice. I have also realised that the only people who seem to be willing to give this advice are namby pamby old women like Dear Deidre and Just Jane who are too worried about offending people to say what we all know they're really thinking. So, since nobody else seems to be willing to take care of these people it looks like I'm going to have to do something about it.
So feel free to email me your shitty fucking problems. I'll be updating every Monday with the best question asked that week. If your question isn't answered then read through my previous responses. You never know, maybe they'll help. The majority of you moaning shits just need to grow up and grow a set anyway.
4th May 2009
Dear Furness,
I am worried about my girlfriend. I am 27 and she is 25 and we have been seeing each other for 3 years now. Recently however I have become worried about how dependent she seems to be on me. She can’t bear to be apart for any more than a few hours, and is reluctant to do anything without me. The other week she needed to go to the doctors for a routine check up, and refused to go unless I went with her. Her friends told me recently that on a night out she’d said she would kill herself if I ever left her. I love her, but I fear that if this carries on it could be a big problem. What should I do?
Keith 27 from Leeds
Furness says:
You’re right Keith. This is a big problem... but not for you. If she’s that besotted with you, you can get her to do all that freaky shit you’ve always wanted her to do, but have never dared ask. All you have to do is threaten to leave her if she doesn’t do it, and there you have your very own house sex slave. Your only problem is the emotional attachment you’ve got for her. You need to drop that crap right now. You can’t be with someone that emotionally unstable. You can shag her though. Try turning it into a game, and see what the most degrading thing you can make her do is. Then the next night try and top it. If you play your cards right, you could cut your need to make a toilet trip down by a good 90%. 100% if you're prepared to go solid.
27th April 2009
Dear Furness,
Recently I’ve been having weird thoughts about another boy in my class, and think I might be gay. I want to talk to my parents about it, but I'm worried due to them being so religious. What should I do?
Michael 16 from Queensbury
Furness says:
If your parents are so religious that they believe adamantly in the omnipotence of a God, then inform them that as a result of this he would have to have his dick up every mans arsehole in the world, all the time, including the dead ones. This would therefore make him the biggest gay rapist of all time. By this point they’ll be so angry that you insulted their God that they won’t care about you being gay anymore. Alternatevly you could just grow a set of bollocks and realise that it doesn't matter what your stupid fucking parents think.
20th April 2009
Dear Furness,
I’m currently studying for my GCSE’s, but have fallen for a much older man. I am 15, but he is 35 and my teacher. A few times when we've been alone together he's seemed quite flirty and I am sure he's attracted to me too. My friends say I’m being stupid and that he’d never be interested in me, but I find myself unable to concentrate in his classes. Should I pursue a relationship with him, or are my friends right?
Vicky 15 from Cornwall
Furness says:
Of course you should pursue a relationship. If he doesn’t respond then you haven’t lost anything. If he does respond then you can have your bit of fun, and then have him arrested for child abuse and rape when the relationship inevitably breaks down. Alternatively you could blackmail him with this threat, to get what ever you wanted since the future of his career would be in your hands. In this case you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
13th April 2009
Dear Furness,
I really like a boy in my class, but he said he wouldn’t go out with me because I was fat. That was this time last year, and since then I’ve been dieting and exercising rigorously, and have lost a lot of weight. He still won’t go out with me though, and now I don’t know why. My friends say I should forget about him, but I can’t. What should I do?
Susan 16 from Kent
Furness says:
The problem with fat people like you is not just your weight. It’s also the fact that you’re incredibly ugly. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how much weight you lose, you will still be twice the size of a normal attractive person, and will always be as good looking as a train wreck. Why should he settle for a fat ugly freak like you?
What you should do is quite simple. Resign yourself to the fact that your life is meaningless, that people will always consider you their ugly friend, and that the only action you’re ever going to get will be when somebody loses a bet or when they're incredibly drunk. Alternatively, you could do the decent thing and kill yourself right now.
